Blah,Blah,Blahg

IT'S YOUR WORLD SQUIRREL...

It's what my step father, Paco Starr (no joke) would say.  I figured it was a Southern thing, but maybe it was an 'in need of medication thing', who knows?  I still feel very empowered when I say it to myself (yes, I talk to myself often).  Anyways, I saw this commercial for the first time last night and knew that it must grace the Blahg as it has some of my favorite elements in it-- a squirrel and a  bunny doing funny things.  I am a sucker for wacky animal fodder and I hope you are too...

Oh btw, don't forget to stop by Friday for Kittyanydots super duper download!  AND big, big, bigger news, you don't have to drop by and read about just me flappin' my big 'ol gums anymore...I have actually connived, convinced two wonderful writers to come on board the Pretty Procrastination Express here and offer up their 2 cents.  We'll have Miss Heather next week guest blahgging on 'Hump Day' for your coffee through your nose pleasure and if 'Craft Master A' doesn't flake on us then we will have a big 'ol regular contributing Craftista!  How's that?  Thanks to my Peanut Gallery we are getting more hits daily than a bong in a state college dorm!  How 'bout that?  Take that Miss Dooce!  I don't care if you are fabulously funny, naturally thin and a multi-millionaire, I am coming right up on your skinny 'ol heels and am hoping you will be my very best friend when I get there....

BROWN CHICKEN. BROWN COW.

artwork ( term used loosely) copyright The Bella Bella co.
don't be a hater and steal this sh*%t set Miss B. free and buy it here

I heard this joke on Friday and knew right away that it was going to be your Monday a.m. fodder.  The problem was that I couldn't remember what I had named my masterpiece to serve it up to y'all on my virtual silver platter. Those of you whom can time travel ignore the apology and enjoy the eye candy.

The joke is simple: 'What are the two dirtiest animals on the farm?"  The answer: this must be said to the tune of 70's porn music (not that I would know...closest I ever came to seeing porn is 'Boogie Knights' and Pam & Tommy Lee's home video, anyways...) brown chicken, brown cow.  This little joke amused me to no end (obviously I have the sense of humor of an eight year old boy).  If you still don't get it, there's about 7 cazillion 'You Tube' videos devoted to this mother of all jokes.

THE WHOLE KITS & CABOODLE...

It is with great pleasure that my little scam/plan has been working out so smoothly for 'on the download'.  Last week we had Wild Olive and the 'Baker's Best Friends', next week we will have Kitty and Dots and this week I have delighted even myself with the score--Miss Andrea of Kits & Caboodle.  As mentioned previously I know there is a whole contingent out there that doesn't read the blahg but partakes in the freebies and I am happy to be able to have convinced some folks to create some cool things for your freebie loving pleasure. It is with great gusto (I've been trying to squeeze that word into the blahg for some time..) that I introduce Guest Designer Andrea Thurber of Kits & Caboodle:

"I'm Andrea Thurber, a girl from the south, a bit of a loudmouth, and a happy momma to two amazing kids. I make a terrible wife to a wonderful man who was my high school sweetheart and tells me everything I make is *pretty*, even when its not, and never fails to kiss me before he goes out the door. One day he is going to realize that other wives cook and clean and then, boy am I in trouble!

I have a hard time calling myself an *artist*, when there are so many amazing people out there creating awe inspiring things, but I've always felt more alive, more connected when my hands are creating something and my brain is in creative mode. My little girl thinks momma can make anything and that, to me, make me feel pretty darn accomplished. (Though a trophy would be cool, do artists get trophies?!)

Since opening Kits & Caboodles, I've been lucky enough to have been the featured designer on a few really great blogs, been published in 3 different magazines, and had my Button Stack Caboodles go digital in a commercial kit. I never imagined that it would become what it has.

I'm grateful everyday that I am able to live creatively and share that with others. If I am at all qualified to give advice (a questionable notion) then it would have to be to find your own voice and follow it to the ends of the earth. It will only take you good places..."

Follow Andrea's voice to her shop and buy up--kitsandcaboodle.etsy.com

And here's the lovely download..

BECAUSE I NEED TO BELIEVE THAT LIFE IS GOOD...

...and that sticking a fork in the side of my temple is not such a good idea..I am attaching this much watched video of heart wrenching, tear inducing,love fest producing goodness. If this doesn't give you a lump in your throat, or bring a giggle to your belly(nice soundtrack), please check for pulse and call me in the morning...

HAMMER + CLOCK=

A kind young professional in the head hunting arts had generously agreed to review my resume and give me feedback, this offer was made over a week ago in which I started numerous times to make edits to it before sending it on over for review (getting so far as opening the document up and staring at the screen).  Every time I started I was distracted by shiny things, fluffy puppies and the like.  I was hoping the resume would magically update itself.  Why it was so hard for me to do something that's so dire to my current situation was beyond me, but it felt like I would rather schedule myself for root canal than complete the task at hand.  I started doing what it is I do--daydream, doodle and try to wish my way into a new job.  Any good brainstorm list should include a doodle of lightning bolt but I can't draw one so you get a unicorn instead.  Above is my brainstorm list, I didn't get very far when I think I hit the mother load of ideas--'The Modern Motivational Poster '(sorry for taking design license with my casing, I personally think the upper and lower cases makes for a powerful statement-I feel I look committed).

Anyway, my first poster is 'Hammer time' or as my Fancy said "A hammer and clock?  I don't get it." I added  the chorus from "You Can't Touch This' running through the background.  For those that are unfamiliar with the chorus or have made room in your brain for other things here it is:

U can't touch this
oh-oh oh oh-oh-oh
Break it down
Oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh-oh oh-oh)
Stop
Hammer time

If that doesn't motivate you, what will say I?  So here is the first one in all it's glory, I am working on more that should be available in an office waiting/breakroom near you...

HAMMER TIME
by Miss B
Don't even think of stealing this artwork as I have been feeling quite postal lately...

I think these are what I might be selling for my Free Miss B Campaign, you know a 100% of the proceeds going to getting me the heck out of dodge...

RECIPE FOR SUCCESS...

Above artwork courtesy of
wildolive.etsy.com

A day late but not a dollar short!  As promised I have a scam, uhm, a plan to get all you crafty lil' cuties some free downloads.  I know there's a whole contigent of my 'readers' that have no interest in my daily diatribe and want their freakin' downloads already!  I feel their pain as they mosey over and read yet another painful reenactment of my so-called life and don't get anything free out of it.  That is why I am out of my noggin happy that some creative ladies have kindly agreed to help my out in my plight.  The very first dear is Miss Mollie of Wild Olive, such a sweet shop and when asked to give me a blurb she obliged with the following:

"Wild Olive started as a way to keep myself always doing something
creative. So far, it has worked! Although I am a freelance graphic
designer in "real life, " I enjoy escaping to the world of drawing and
crafting whenever I can. My favorite things to doodle are the mundane,
because, as I like to say, things are better with faces!"

Being a compulsive doodler myself I had to agree with her immediately about the faces thing.  I am really excited about these recipe cards as I knew I wanted to offer you something different and unique and feel so grateful that Mollie did all the thinking and inking for me and you. The download can be printed and filled in by hand or if you suffer from neat freak-ism (like moi) you can type in your recipe utilizing your own fonts.  Since I have been so busy lately I used them to add take-out/delivery phone numbers to each card.  I thought the 'Bashful' bowl was a good one to remind my Fancy about the Soba noodle house down the street.  Perhaps one day I can add recipes as well, since these downloads aren't going anywhere, you can print to your hearts content.  If you love these, please visit Wild Olive and tell her you are a friend of mine (it won't get you very far but...)

Baker's Best Friend RecipeCards

P.S. Is it wrong to be happy that Jessica Alba is chubby right now?

SHOVEL THIS....

IDIOM: A MANNER OF SPEAKING THAT IS NATURAL TO NATIVE SPEAKERS  OF A LANGUAGE.

Since Marie, my so-called 'mom', is not a native speaker, the idiom above is mutilated by her native brain.  Although, after much thought I think it has a little more 'oomph' when you substitute 'shovel' for shove.  It instantly becomes grueling, arduous, blister inducing, sun baking your brains type thingy.  It makes sense. 

I am giving you this bit of propaganda because a funny thing happened at the office the other night..... Now, this is just hersay, but the police report reads that someone that I know (that may or may not have hired me) got arrested for assaulting one of his/her employee's.  No, unfortunately it wasn't me.  Oh, how I wish it was!  I couldn't make this S*%@ up!  I am supposed to be promoting this company yo.  So, I had to take a couple days out from the blahg to wrap my brain around the situation.  I called Marie and gave her the play y play.

MARIE:  "Oh, eeef I wuz dehr I swear I would 'ave seen joo geet hurt too!"

translation:  If I was there, I would have figured out a way to include you in the law suit that I am planning in my head because I watch too much television and am dying to get on the horn with Gloria Allred.

MISS B:  "Wha?"

MARIE:  "Joo know wheen poosh comz to shovel..."

MISS B: " Yeah, you can say that again"

NOH JOO DEED EHNT...

Artwork by The Bella Bella co.

Unauthorized use will result in torture (I'm not kidding I need an outlet)

Welcome to another round of mental frustration with yours truly Miss B.  For this segment we are going to go back in time to this weekend where I was called upon as 'daughter' to my so-called biological 'mother'--Marie (don't you ever call her Maria or you'll never hear the end to it).  You see we couldn't be any more different, or look any more different.  I am convinced they made a mistake at the hospital but have been too lazy for my nearly 39 years to pluck a hair from her crazy head to compare DNA results.  I think I have been procrastinating because if it is true that this woman shares biological matter with me it will confirm that I come from crazy stock and I don't want to admit that just yet.  Your mother (and for those of you that don't have mothers, please feel free to take mine, she would gladly take you on) well, most mothers would be content to guilt you into submission, 'You don't call, you don't write, you are this you are that...' My mother decides to mortally wound herself, okay I exaggerate, she mentally mortally wounds me, whatever, she decided to go and break her leg on me, not just regular 'ol breaking, but surgery and need of my daughter services.  I reluctantly obliged because my mom is Sybil, one day she's great and I love her and the next she's insane and I am considering the DNA test.

This is how my phone call went on Friday night:

MARIE:     "I need joo to choome ovair ohn Satuurdhaay, ehnd whalk jour brohther, no?"

Translation-I need you to come over Saturday and walk your brother, okay?

For those of you unaware it's some strange European thing to add 'no'  as a question to the end of a sentence.  I can only equate it with the Canadians use of 'eh?'  If you don't remember ,my 'mother' is Latin and speaks with a heavy accent (which she is convinced she doesn't possess).  In her native tongue it's not much better she speaks with a lisp, which is supposedly completely acceptable. For those of you even more confused by her request to walk my 'brother', my 'brother' is a 3 lb dog--yes he is as neurotic as I am.

MISS B.:     "Whatever you want Marie."

MARIE:       "Ciao, Ciao, grande beso para mi nina"

Translation:  Bye-bye, big kiss for my girl. Her 'girl' by the way, is my dog G.G., she does not acknowledge myself or Bella as her 'girl'.  I am "jyoo" and Bella is "Loca"--'crazy' but hey, takes one to know one right?

On Saturday I made my way across the city to tend to Marie's every whim.  I would recount them here but she had me do things that people that are ambivalent about whether they are biologically related to someone shouldn't have to be made to do.  For fun, I will supply you with a couple golden nuggets from the day:

MARIE:  "Jyoo know, mee fhuuuture sohn-een-lahw hasn't challed.  Hee probablee whants mee to break my             other leg."

Translation: You know? My future-son-in-law has not called.  He probably wants me to break my other leg.

Probably.

MARIE:   "Jyoo know, peeple thaaat dyont whash their hannds after goin' ca ca geet peenk eiye.  Eeets                       truu."

Translation: You know, people that don't wash their hands after going poo get pink eye. It's true.

For the record I wash my hands if I even pass by a bathroom, just for giggles and everyone knows that I don't do number two.

My 'mother' although clinically committable is too much enjoyment for me to put away for good, besides she laughs at all my jokes (both good and bad).

After ten straight hours with her...

MISS B:   "Jyoo noh I blame jyoo for everything wrong eeen my life, eet's jyust ezier thaaat whaaay."

Translation: I blame you for everything.

MARIE: Laughing like a hyena--"Jyoo ahre sooo fhunneey! Oh stohp eet!  Jyoo ahre soo cray-zee."

Translation:  Maybe you really were switched in the hospital.

And how was your weekend?

WISH YOU WERE HERE...

Yes, it has been way too long since I have posted a download, I do apologize for the absence and maybe this download will make you wish I stayed in hibernation.  I have a scheme, uhm, a plan for the upcoming one's so be prepared for some more freebie goodness to come.  This download is for a hibiscus 5" x 7 " flat in Sandia (watermelon to you and me) and Bumble (yellow, for those unfamiliar with the bee reference) .  Print it on scrap paper and show your green chic colors or be like me and print it on a nice piece of heavy cardstock at the office and you'll have yourself some pretty little, summer stationery on company time, in no time!

* Note your download will not include the witty sample text above

Summer Stationery Download.pdf

Have a great weekend!

BONELESS OR BUST...

 
Artwork byThe Bella Bella Co.

Unauthorized use will result in bodily injury and/or bad luck curse on your head.

I don't know how to say in Spanish 'I don't eat meat on the bone', this my dears may have been rectified if I actually followed along with the Rosetta Stone, but no I am lazy when it comes to anything that may be a necessity such as knowing my mother's native tongue.  It is much easier to be oblivious, except when a situation such as the one yesterday arose.

I had mentioned casually weeks ago to one of the illegal aliens that I work with that Pollo Loco is my very favorite.  The worker is a great girl, kind, helpful and who knew, thoughtful as well.  Yesterday she bought us Pollo Loco for lunch (for those who don't know Pollo Loco is a Mexican charbroiled chicken place--muy delicioso).  What this lovely young lady didn't realize is at most places I will only eat one thing and whatever it is if it's chicken it most certainly will not contain a bone.  I just can't do it.  This girl and I have conversations all the time but they are more charade-esque than verbal.  Yes, I must really like her to exert that kind of energy.  I considered pantomining me retching because of said bone, but I didn't think it would be very lady like.  When she kept on insisting, I considered quitting my job because it would be a lot easier than having to ignore the bone-filled chicken that she was surely going to place in front of my gullet.

'Yo allergico to bono', seemed like a good idea, but I thought it smacked of deceit.  So I decided to pantomime that I was full by pointing to my mouth, rubbing my belly and hand signaling that I smuggle beach balls in my blouse.  That my signing looked more like I was trying to tell her I became pregnant by something I swallowed wasn't helping my cause.

"Yoo shuuure?", she asked.  I just nodded, since it seemed that she felt a little embarrassed by my sharing such an intimate detail with her and she just wanted to get to her wings.